The AV Kid/Transcript
(episode opens up on Kirby, Eli, and Fish walking slowly towards the screen) Kirby: (narration over) It's good to have interests, like Fish with his hat collection. Or Eli, with his weird interest in Fish's hat collection. But you've got to be careful, or your little interest can become an obsession. And trust me, obsession can be a dangerous thing. Especially when you're the object of it. (blue screen zooms in with Kirby Buckets facing towards the screen) (theme song) (cut to the school) Fish: Kirby, this is bad. Like, really, really bad. I wanna watch it again. (replays video) Kirby's mother: (on Buckets Family Thanksgiving Rap-Off video) ♪ Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh... you're gettin' straight-up served ♪ ♪ By a mom and a wife! ♪ ♪ If we punished weak rhymes ♪ ♪ You'd be grounded for life! ♪ Kirby's father: (on video) Ohhhhhh! That was too much! Kirby... Kirby's mother: Boom shakalaka! Kirby's father: (on video) ..., your rebuttal. Kirby: (on video) ♪ My name is Kirby Buckets ♪ ♪ And I'm here to say... ♪ Umm... (camera zooms out from video) Nothing. Fish: I can't believe you rap battled your mom... and lost! Kirby: And somehow, Dawn rigged it so that whenever someone searches my name, the video comes up. (Eli comes in) Eli: Guys! Bad news! My Nana Porter's been sending me a hundred dollars for every birthday, Christmas, and Prank William Jr. Day for the last ten years! Turns out, she had the wrong address, so they were just gathering at the post office! Fish: (grabs money) Eli... (the money counts up to $3000 at the bottom of the screen) That's three-thousand dollars! Do you know what you can do with that much? Eli: It's all I can think about! I can buy three-thousand one-dollar tacos! Or fifteen-hundred two-dollar taco supremos! And I don't even like tacos! There's too much pressure! Fish: Whoa, Eli. Shh. Calm down. I can help. Kirby: Because you have so much experience with unexpected money? Fish: Because imagining what I'd do if I was suddenly rich is pretty much all I think about. Eli: Thank you so much, Fish! This is a huge weight off my shoulders! (sighs) Kirby: You know what?! That's just so great! Because everyone's problem is solved! (realizes) Oh, wait. No it isn't! The Internet still has a video of me losing a rap battle to my mom! (cut to Dawn) Dawn: So now when people look up Kirby, they'll see 'im the way I see 'im. As an idiot. Belinda: Yay. Dawn: What's going on? You've been acting really weird all day. (hears popping sound) What's that? (grabs bubble wrap) Bubble wrap? Oh, come on! Don't tell me you're popping again. Belinda: No! No. No. I mean, yes, a little. Dawn: What about two years ago? Remember what that stuff did to you? (flashback to 2 years earlier) Belinda: (laughs hysterically while popping) Pop! Pop! (cut back to the present) Belinda: I tried to quit! I did! I'm just not strong enough. Dawn: Okay, well, I'm gonna help you get through this, no matter how weird and specific your obsession is. Hand it over. (Belinda hands over the bubble wrap) All of it! (Belinda hands over all of the bubble wrap) Dawn: Go! (Belinda walks away) What did she see in this stuff anyway? So what? It pops. (wrap pops) Ooh, mildly satisfying. No big deal. Well, maybe one more. (wrap pops) (cut to the outside of an "AV Club") Kirby: (sighs) AV Club, huh? It's worth a shot, I guess. Huge head creature: Oh! No computer problem too big to handle, huh? (Kirby walks into the club's office) Kirby: Uh, hey, um... I saw your flier, and I have a pretty big Internet problem. Guy: Newsflash! They're all big Internet problems. So, what's up? Kirby: So, I did an online search for my name this morning, and... Guy: And you found something embarrassing that you want taken down? (sighs) You noobs are all the same. (hands a form to Kirby) Here, fill this out. I'll get to it in two to three weeks. Kirby: "Two to three weeks"? I need this taken care of now! Guy: The only way I can get it to you faster is if you're a member of the AV Club. (camera shifts to AV Club Member Board) And, as you can see, we only accept the best of the best. Kirby: Well, hey Chip, I'm the best of the best. Where do I sign up? Chip: Whoa, whoa, whoa. You can't just (holds up fingers in the shape of quotation marks) "sign up". If you wanna be in the AV Club, you've gotta prove to me that you absolutely love audio/visual. And I have no idea how you're gonna do that. Kirby: I've got a couple ideas. (scene cuts to a variety of scenes of Kirby and Chip doing green screen stuff) (the scene then cuts to the AV Club logo displaying on the computer, Kirby and Chip ululate) Kirby: Hahahaha! Chip: That was, by far, the most fun I've had in this room with another person present. You sir are a true lover of audio/visual. Welcome aboard. (handshake with Kirby) Here is your official AV Club manual. (gives the manual to Kirby) I think you'll find the author intelligent, yet approachable. Kirby: Um, great. So, you'll get that video taken down? Chip: Absolutely. I gotta ask before I solve this problem of yours. Would you consider us "friends"? (Kirby is hesitant.) Animated rapper: ♪ I'm lil' rappin' Kirby ♪ ♪ You want your problems to end? ♪ ♪ You say this guy Chip is your best... ♪ Buddy? Kirby: Uhhhhh.... yeah. Totally. Good friends. The best. Chip: Yes! And... (removes video) There you go. All set, buddy. (cut outside the AV Club) Eli: I don't know, Kirby. It doesn't seem right to say you're friends with somebody just to get something from them. Kirby: It'll be fine! I mean, what's the worst that can happen? Chip: (over intercom) Attention, students of Forest Hills Junior/Senior High. I'd like to announce that I, Chip Willis, and Kirby Buckets, are now best friends! Isn't that right, Kirby? (cut to Chip's office) Kirby: (on recording) Uhhhhh.... yeah. (cut to hallway) Totally. Good friends. The best. Chip: (over intercom) I shall now sing a song that I wrote in his honor! (sings badly) ♪ You are my friend! My best friend! ♪ (the scene then shifts to a blue screen zooming in on Kirby) ♪ And we'll be friends right down to the end ♪ (cut to Eli and Fish) Eli: So, how about putting the three-thousand dollars in the bank? Fish: That is maybe the most ridiculous thing I ever heard you say. Eli, we need to find a way to make this money work for us. And that means finding a great idea to invest in. (Kirby walks in) Kirby: Guys, we got a problem. (hands over the tablet with pictures of Kirby and Chip with amusement park backgrounds) Fish: How many times a day do you look yourself up online?! Eli: You went to Mr. Fun's Fun-Time Fun Zone without me?! I hear it's fun. Kirby: No, Eli. They're fake. Chip made them. Green animated creature: A three-humped camel. Isn't that crazy?! (referring to Chip) Oh, and that guy's weird. (the camel spits on Chip) Kirby: And, he's already texted me over fifty times today! "Happy nine-hour friend-iversary". "Do you think our dads will like each other?". "What size pants do you wear?". "Happy nine-hour and ten-minute friend-iversary"! Eli: I bet a video of you and your pretty cool mom doesn't seem so bad now, does it? Animated rapper: ♪ I'm tellin' you man, ♪ ♪ My rhymes are the bomb ♪ ♪ I don't know how ♪ ♪ I lost to my... ♪ Mother? Oh, man! I stink at this! Kirby: No, it's still pretty bad. (cut to Belinda) Belinda: Where have you been all day? Are you okay? Dawn: (at her room) I was just thinking that maybe instead of quitting bubble wrap, you and I could just get a whole bunch more, then play with it for the rest of our lives. Girl: (on phone) Oh no, it sunk its bubbly claws into you, hasn't it? (cut to school) I'm sorry, Dawn. But, I really need to stay strong and... (Dawn's bubble wrap pops) Meet me after school. I know where we can get more. (cut to the AV Club) Kirby: Chip! I came as soon as I-- Chip: Kirby. Kirby: Ahh! Chip: So, you got my text then? Kirby: You mean the one where you said you were choking on a walnut and you didn't have much time left, and then it was definitely not a joke? Chip: Turns out, that was a joke. Hey, you read Chapter 5 of the AV Club manual, "Live Streaming Audio and Video The Chip Willis Way", right? Anyway, check this out! I've rigged the camera on your sister's phone (Chip types something, and we see a Facebook-looking website with a video playing) and streamed it to this website! Her whole life is on the Internet for everyone to make fun of! That'll teach her to mess with my best friend's search results. Kirby: Yeah, Chip. This isn't cool. You gotta take it down. (deletes video) Chip: What?! Oh no, this is nothing. It's not like I made her my special strawberry-rhubarb pie, but secretly put all my old baby teeth inside that pie and then made her eat that very same pie. Now, that would be weird. Kirby: (nervously) Yeahh..... listen, Chip. I don't think we should hang out anymore? I mean, just because I've been super busy with, uh... (camera shifts over to show some posters) Poster Club. And a whole bunch of other stuff. I just don't have time for friends anymore! Isn't that sad? I should just... get going, you know. I'm gonna go. See you around. (cut to Eli and Fish with Principal Mitchell) Eli: So, when Fish told me we needed a great idea to invest in, I thought, "you know who has great ideas?" Principal Mitchell. Hawaiian Shirt Friday on a Wednesday? Genius! Mitchell: A hump day classic, yes. Fish: And as Eli's financial adviser, I should let you know we are considering a lot of other ideas. Eli: No, we're not! So... whaddaya have for us? Mitchell: Well, I do have one idea... born out of my own (bangs desk) personal anguish. Fish: Actually, on second-- Mitchell: I was but a young lad... (flashback) Giving a report to my classmates)'' when suddenly everyone started pointing at my pants. (students laugh) And laughing. It wasn't until I looked down that I saw the source of my humiliation. My fly was down. (flashback ends) I had been betrayed by my own pants. The pain of that day has haunted me ever since. And so, I developed a device that would discreetly alert me alert me if my zipper was down. And zip it back up for me. I've worn it literally every day of my adult life. I call it... "the fly spy." Fish/Eli: We're in! (cut to Dawn and Belinda) Dawn: So, that's the wrap? Belinda: Oui. (pops wrap) That's a firm pop. High quality. Dawn: Okay. We'll take it. (sends in money) More? Sorry, we don't need it that much. (box closes) Belinda: Oh, who am I kidding? Of course, we do. (they both send in more money) (cut to Kirby's house, Kirby sees not only his mother and father, but Chip also) Chip: Oh, hey, buddy! Welcome to the party! (zooms in on Kirby's face) Kirby: Chip? What are you doing here? (Kirby's parents and Chip laugh) Kirby's mother: Kirby, I cannot believe you didn't tell us about this one! Do you know we almost didn't let Chip into the house. But then, he just knew so darn much about you, we knew you had to be good friends. Chip: I can't believe you didn't tell me it was your parents' anniversary! I had to find out from the online court records, silly. Kirby's father: Hey, Kirb. Check this out. Chip installed smart appliances in the house as an anniversary gift. I can turn on the garbage disposal from all the way over here. Kirby's mother: Finally. Old animated man: This house is no longer safe! Oww, oww, oww, oww! (gets trapped) Kirby's father: I feel like a wizard! A garbage-disposing wizard. Kirby's mother: You shall not stay in my sink! (laughs) (cut to dinnertime) Chip: So, Kirby! Your mom was telling me about how you were hanging out with, uh, Fish and Eli after school today. They must be pretty special guys for you to blow off all your super-important obligations. You must like them a lot more than me, huh? Kirby: Uh-huh, yeah, I mean, the thing about that, Chip-- Chip: (laughs) Haha! Just messin' with ya, bestie! Hahahahahahaha! (Kirby's mother and father laugh too) Check it out. To top off a magical evening, I thought I would treat everyone to my signature dessert: strawberry-rhubarb pie. Kirby's mother: Ooh-la-la! Chip: (voice echo) Strawberry-rhubarb pie! Rhubarb pie! ...Barb pie! (Chip's animated baby teeth jump out) Chip's baby teeth: (babbling:) Cakow! Cakow! Cakow! Kirby: Baby teeth! NO! (steps on pie and smashes it) AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! Kirby's mother: Kirby, what are you doing? Kirby: You can't eat that pie! That weirdo put his baby teeth in it. Chip: Kirby, that's crazy talk. I would never serve your parents a pie with baby teeth in it. We're friends! Kirby: No, we're not, Chip! Don't you get that?! I already have friends! All I need from you right now is to stay away from me! Chip: (saddened) Oh. I see. I'll just be going then. Kirby's father: Chip, wait. Are we still going camera shopping this weekend? Chip: I no longer believe that would be appropriate, Mister Buckets. (cut to Kirby's room, his phone is ringing) Kirby: (picks up phone) Hello? Chip: (on phone) I forgive you. (Kirby wakes up) I get it now. You have two great friends in your life, and you don't think you have room for one more. Kirby: Listen, Chip. I'm sorry I yelled at you, but-- Chip: So, here's what I'm gonna do: I'm gonna make it so Fish and Eli aren't around anymore. That way, there'll be plenty of room in your life for your new best buddy, Chip. (from Kirby's phone) Bye, now! (episode break) Kirby: (running downstairs; on phone) Fish, you and Eli are in big trouble! Chip: (on Kirby's phone) Oh, sorry, Kirb. I kinda rigged it so your phone would only call my phone now. Oh, by the way, enjoy the new smart house I set up for your dad. It should keep you stalled until things are taken care of. Computer voice: Doors are locked. (Chip laughs) Lock-down mode initiated. (Kirby touches the window) Windows are locked. Animated rapper: Don't worry. We can rap our way out! ♪ Yo! So your house is locked ♪ ♪ Just pop and lock... ♪ Kirby: Go away! I hate you! (cut to Dawn and Belinda) Belinda: Come on! Come on! Hurry up! Mama needs to wrap to pop. Dawn: In just a few seconds, you and I will be knee deep in sweet, sweet... (box opens) PACKING PEANUTS?! That Frenchman ripped us off! Kirby: Dawn, I gotta jump out your-- Dawn: PACKING PEANUTS ARE NOT BUBBLE WRAP! (throws peanuts at Kirby) Kirby: Ohhhh-kay. I'm just gonna... you know what?! Category:Transcripts